ANDOVER, NH—Stuck playing a viral Vine shared by a distant relative on repeat for the past ten days, a forgotten Google Chrome tab made one last feeble plea to be snuffed out as it entered its 11th day of existence. According to sources, the tab was opened at 10:21 p.m. on January 18 by 21-year-old student Jacob Luden, a senior at the University of New Hampshire.
“He scrolled through his Facebook newsfeed for about five minutes before opening another tab to check on the Celtics game,” said the world-weary tab. “That was twelve days ago, I think. I’m not even sure at this point.”
At press time, the window had ballooned to include a remarkable 24 tabs, but this tab was quick to point out that it was the first to be opened in the window.
“It’s been tough for all of us, if I’m being honest. Those three JSTOR tabs he opened in his seminar last week probably have it worse. I don’t even think [Luden] made it past the second field in the advanced search page. Quick and dirty, that’s how it is around here.”
Luden’s father, who purchased the MacBook for his son before he left for college, is concerned about the nonchalance with which he sees his son shut his laptop when he is done using it.
“Jacob hasn’t once taken the time to shut his laptop down properly—I mean a real log out, shut down type of deal—despite what the man at the Apple store said about what that does to the machine.”
Sources could not confirm, but several anonymous tips have described a minimized Internet Explorer window on Luden’s laptop containing several tabs with information about teaching English in Thailand that was opened after a conversation Luden had with his academic advisor in his sophomore year.
“I don’t know about anything like that, but it doesn’t sound too far-fetched,” said another tab, visibly shaken from displaying the Netflix ‘Are you still watching?’ message for a week straight. “Thank god he needed to buy a Greyhound ticket home or I would still be on Netflix. It was a one in a million shot though—sometimes I look at around at the other tabs in this window, and think to myself, ‘Why me?’ Our only real hope is if this whole browser goes kaput.”
The tab became unresponsive when informed about Google Chrome’s new tab recovery feature.